This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
