I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
