And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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