I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I touched a dick in church today
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.