having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....