ya dads aren't the best wingmen
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You are the jesus of drinking
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire