Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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