Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
