the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
