when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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