I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
