last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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