everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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