i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
