If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
