Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
