This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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