I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
