Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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