I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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