if i can run in heels then i can drive
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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