I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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