I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
