dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
is that a dick in a sweater?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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