Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
is wine microwaveable?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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