There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
