shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
