cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
