Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
