Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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