Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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