she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
