Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
