someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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