So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
