I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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