I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
