I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
