you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
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Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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