A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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