I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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