dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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