I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
