I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
