if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
