So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
