Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
