I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
