Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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