I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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