dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
