K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
