I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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