Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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