It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
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he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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