I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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