Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
