I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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