Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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