If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
