hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
