I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm at about main and main street
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can you bring me the toilet please
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
