my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
