WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
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The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"