Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
